The Infamous Quote Page

"Bobbing for apples is like fucking for virginity."
- @justcallmeryy
Submitted By: Wyatt

"I am a heavy hitter. The problem is that every time I hit heavy enough to make something happen, I have to write an apology letter."
-- Wyatt
Submitted By: Wyatt

Josh: Ya.. that sounds bad
Wyatt: But I bet the domain name is free
Submitted By: Wyatt

I'm a horny engineer, Leonard. i never joke about math or sex.
--Howard
Submitted By: Wyatt

Sara: Good question! And what about the ones that flew?
Wyatt: Oh that's easy to explain. They got rained out and had to crash land in the water, but they couldn't be used as flotation devices because the FFA wasn't invented yet.
Submitted By: Wyatt

Katy: I blame you for my pain [after running two 5K's in a row]
Wyatt: Wow, I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Submitted By: Wyatt

You suck so bad you make black holes look asthmatic.
-- Wyatt
Submitted By: Wyatt

If you shoot a guy down during a Marvin Gaye song, you're a bitch.
-- Wyatt
Submitted By: Wyatt

"How nuts would you say she is going? A little nuts or like "Almond Joy's got nuts ... but not that many."
-- Wyatt
Submitted By: Wyatt

"We'd like a consult. Basically, we don't know what a switch does. NO WAIT!!! A specific switch."
-- Joe
Submitted By: Wyatt

Ah, the Germans. They've given us so many wonderful things: World War I, World War II, SAP...
Submitted By: Joe

A: Dude, that's a sack drop on the table.
K: Don't say sack drop.
Submitted By: Wyatt - From Diggnation

P: Swiss Cheese?
C: I thought you were going to go more along the lines of 'smegma'
W: Now that's an uncomfortable word score in Scrabble.
Submitted By: Wyatt

Wyatt Neal: 65.0.0.0/BAN
Michael Kinney: class A ban, ouch.
Wyatt Neal: How could I do anything less than class A work? :-)
Submitted By: Wyatt

Tim: Websphere is a BAD example of EVERYTHING
even pain... they call applyPain() and hit an OutOfMemoryException
Submitted By: Tim

Mike: peer to peer sex blogging... now with more leeching? hmmm... someone's getting screwed. HAR HAR
Submitted By: Wyatt

Enderandrew: "I agree. Is IKEA evil if they provide the NSA with desks?"
linumax: "No, but they are evil if they provide Microsoft with chairs."
Submitted By: Rick (Courtesy of Slashdot)

LED's don't get as hot because instead of a filament, they are made of light emitting diodes.
Submitted By: Joe (From WUSA-TV Channel 9 news in Baltimore/DC)

Husband: (Shakes gift) Does this sound like long-range walkie-talkies to you?
Wife: How long have you known about this?
Husband: A few days
Wife: Why didn't you tell me about it immediately!?
Husband: We didn't have long-range walkie-talkies...
Submitted By: Joe (From the show 'Rules of Engagement')

Joe: "Sublimation of an element or compound is a transition from the solid to gas phase with no intermediate liquid stage."
Wyatt: "So it's like a reverse shart."
Submitted By: Wyatt

wyatt_earp: every time I see your nick, I think it says "wyatt_erp", which sounds like a badass resource planning app = )
Submitted By: From the Dojo IRC Room

user: "hey, kernel, call method 22 with these arguments."
kernel: "wtf is method 22? I think I'd rather not."
user: "okay, that's cool."
- Ryan Du Bois
Submitted By: Rick Altherr

My motto is:
"If it isn't immoral, it probably won't work."
Submitted By: Dogbert

Bored
So Bored
Boronous, Boremous, Boramous
I Came, I Saw, I Bored
He bored, she bored, they bored
Hey I was gonna say that!
--MASH conversation between Hawkeye and BJ
Submitted By: Joe

...if you are intelligent, it puts you at risk of discovering something that is true, but counterintuitive and unpopular, and it does you almost no good to know such a thing. - rob at Businesspundit
Submitted By: Some call me... tim

After you have a ninja you're just so happy to be alive!
-Madaleine Stowe

Our ninja are strong. They go forward to defend freedom... and all that is good and just in our world. - Bush

"Ninjas are more powerful than guns. We would not let our enemies have guns, why should we let them have ninjas?" - Joseph Stalin
Submitted By: Dr. McNinja

A ninja divided by a katana can not stand.
-Abraham Lincoln

Up in the sky! It's a bird, it's a plane, it's NINJAS!

I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a Ninja on the moon and returning him safely to the earth.
-JF Kennedy
Submitted By: Dr. McNinja

Conductor: This is West Fourth Street. Transfer is available to the A, C, E, F, and V trains.
Four-year-old girl: Mommy, he doesn't sing his ABCs right.
Mom: That's because he didn't go to college.
Submitted By: Overheard In New York

It's way too big to be a planet and since small planets are called dwarf planets, please welcome the first discovered troll planet.
Submitted By: Jeremy Lavergne

You are having delusions of adequacy my friend.
Submitted By: MicahKBrown

Wyatt: Damnit, missed.
Sara: I wonder what that clapping sound was. I should have known you were trying to kill a fly or something.
Wyatt: I don't clap to kill flies, I hit them with socks.
Submitted By: Wyatt

Guilt. It's the glue that holds relationships together
Submitted By: Wyatt

I just can't see why it'd be called a pizza - if you have a pizza that looks like that, you're in for a seriously interesting digestive experience.
-- Wade Tregaskis
Submitted By:

"I can do push-ups with my tongue. Does that do anything for you?"
-- Wyatt
Submitted By:

m: Does he have to be erect for that role?
k: That would be hard.

Mike and Kate, discussing the Harry Potter kid's new stage role as a naked horseman.
Submitted By:

"I would have been smarter if I had more oxygen as a child."
-- Sara Cannon
Submitted By:

"Wake up! It's time for science!"
-- Adam, Myth Busters
Submitted By:

"If something is worth having, it's worth abusing"
-- Wally, (Scott Adams 20061205)
Submitted By:

"I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators."
-- Gerald R. Ford
Submitted By:

"We just have a minor detail we're trying to work"
"What's that"
"The motor doesn't fit in the frame"
--Orange County Choppers
Submitted By:

"Speaking of nature-ie things, I went to the bathroom..."
-- Sheri
Submitted By:

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

- Bill Vaughan
Submitted By:

So when you are out cheating on your wife she can imput a special code and melts your nuts. Its DRM, Dick rights managment.
-- AgNO3 on Slashdot
Submitted By:

"This is awful. It's like drinking My Little Pony"
-- A guy on a show my wife was watching
Submitted By:

But if I test it I'll find bugs...
--Some dude at the cube farm I work at
Submitted By:

"Aww... I can't right now, I've got a chicken under the brick."
-- Really Lame Excuse
Submitted By:

Big Boob's Carpets -- We Lay It On The Floor.
-- Sara & Wyatt
Submitted By:

"You wanna know how you do it? Here's how, they pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That's the Chicago way...."
-- Malone
Submitted By:

"I chewed someone out ... then they apologized ... well, actually, I didn't chew them out ... I professionally shot them down."
-- Katy Moeggenberg
Submitted By:

I went to a hurricane and they guy called me capt
Submitted By:

Did someone just have a squirrel girl moment? - Wyatt
Submitted By:

"Thanks Jason, couple of questions. Is there a reason why we have the mail server configured to allow connections to the SMTP ... from a na
Submitted By:

"I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the flapping of your butt checks around your head."
-- Wyatt
Submitted By:

Our child is going to invent the first solar powered, electronic dildo-bong. -- Mike, talking about Aidyn's heritage
Submitted By:

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
-- Bruce Baum
Submitted By:

"You bent over and painted it red so it was a better target for him."
-- Wyatt mocking Micah's submission to Roc
Submitted By:

"We want them [parallel software projects] to be similar in a different way."
-- From Tim's requirements meeting where he lost an hour of his life
Submitted By:

"That should resolve your issue..."
-- Wyatt intentionally punning on a DNS problem.
Submitted By:

"Word documents are sometimes cumbersome with formatting, so I just did it in a PowerPoint presentation."
-- MedPlus Random Person submitted by Tim
Submitted By:

"I got a blind guy drawing in the dirt with a stick that could render that page better than IE could."
-- Mike
Submitted By:

Never send a software guy to install RAM.
-- John Dorsey
Submitted By:

Wyatt: I hate it when my sinuses drip back into my throat and makes me have to cough.
Anonymous: Yeah, I hate post anal drip.
Wyatt: .... You just said anal. That's gross.
Submitted By:

Dawn: "A prayer is like a VPN tunnel to God."
Wyatt: "That's so sad I have to put it on my quote page."
Submitted By:

Jeanette: "Steve, you're evil."
Steve: "That's why I'm fun. I'm a good kind of evil."
-- Discussed over dinner
Submitted By:

Damn chicken stick.
-- Wyatt
Submitted By:

"...For the piece of monkey shit he is! ALLALUIA HOLY SHIT! Where's The TYLENOL? " -Chevy Chase- National Lampoons Christmas Vacation
Submitted By:

"So Far I Have Shot Both Feet Rammed My Head Against A Wall And Shared A Round of BANG HEAD ON TABLE With a Friend Its Been A Good Day"
-msn name-
Submitted By:

The 2nd Most Intimate thing you can do for a person... is cook for them.... yes i sand the 2nd.....

Chef A
Submitted By:

Ryan: i'm digging myself out of a hole too. gotta read 80 pages by tonight.
Rick: ouch
Ryan: of a very tough read, "Heart of Darkness"
Rick: I was going to guess "Carburetor repair for the blind", but yeah, that can be tough.
Ryan: haha
Submitted By:

"I've got a +1 lance in my pants."
-- Jim
Submitted By:

"With current DNA being patented our only hope left is to create our own truly open source life form. No word yet on which format Microsoft and Sony intend to back. In related news, Bush is working heavily with Monsanto to ensure that the DMCA is found to be applicable to current life forms. Scientists caught attempting to reverse engineer life should expect to be raided by the FBI by the end of year."
-- Slashdot Quote on Artificial Life.
Submitted By:

"Do not use this plugin to schedule nuclear attacks against your enemies. Do not rely on this pluign to remind you when to take your medication."
-- WP-Cron Readme
Submitted By:

There are two ways of constructing a software design: one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies; the other is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
--C. A. R. Hoare
Submitted By:

"Woohoo!!! I get to pluck your nipple hair!"
-- Anonymous
Submitted By:

"He came out all cows grazing!"
-- Wyatt
Submitted By:

"I feel like my mind was just raped by the bastard child of Salvador Dali and William Burroughs, while dropping enough acid to kill a small whale" - Zack after seeing two played by Ionesco.
Submitted By:

"That fricken pisstified the hell out of me."
-- Wyatt
Submitted By:

"Krogo-get yo ass out of the car!"
-- Sara Cannon
Submitted By:

"We had alot of laughs here tonight, but you know whats not funny? Killing stripers. Stripers are people too. Naked people, who might be willing to pleasure you for a price you nogotiate later behind the curtain in a VIP room. Besides, there's no reason to kill them, most of them are dead inside anyway."
-- Peter Griffin
Submitted By:

"Now...to make all these hateful morons love me."
-- Mr. Burns
Submitted By:

"It was like watching Helen Keller trying to read the Encyclopedia Britanica"
-- Eric on a dumbass trying to find the expiration date on his credit card
Submitted By:

"That's awesome! I want to go molest a mannequin!"
-- Sara C.
Submitted By:

"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a bananna."
-- Groucho Marx
Submitted By:

"We need my dick in your hands right now!!!"
-- Micah
Submitted By:

"You like that? Huh? Like that? Yeah, power of Christ compels you bitch!"
-- Family Guy
Submitted By:

That would require extremely small atoms...and have you priced those these days? It's not like I'm made of money!
Submitted By:

'What the f*ck was that, motherf*cker?!?!?!'

-- Katy questioning Wyatt's Ultimate Frisbee Etiquette
Submitted By:

Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Joe: I'd like some music please...wait, what did I just ask for?
Submitted By:

"The cloaca is a multi-purpose hole for birds"
--http://www.smellypoop.com/poop.html
Submitted By:

We're not so much worreid about the part of the look that says "I'm going to end it all, " but the part that says "and I'm going to take everyone with me."
-- Joe Rocklin
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"Nuke a gay whale for Jesus!"
--WEBN Ultimate bumper sticker circa 1972
Submitted By:

"It's Shikhalicious!"
-- Ben Noble
Submitted By:

I kept trying to find the lyrics, but then I realized it was an instrumental
Submitted By:

"Because what I've learned at UC is whenever something really sucks, there's always free ice cream..."
--Jeff Miller in a NewsRecord article on MainStreet Celebrations
Submitted By:

"You know the phrase 'money is the root of all evil'? Its wrong - Computers are the root of all evil and we are just glorified excorcists trying to make them work right..."
--Joe Rocklin
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"RSS my quote page? That's a stupid idea."
-- Wyatt
Submitted By:

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
-Douglas Adams
Submitted By:

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people
angry and been widely regarded as a bad move"-Douglas Adams
Submitted By:

"It's like chewin through poop!"
Wyatt, in describing eating warm Reese's Pieces
Submitted By:

"Screw the screen, its under warranty! My head isn't!"
Said wyatt as he covered his head from the flying pencil of doom - which was thrown by him at a wall and bounced back....
Submitted By:

P1: Phspt!
P2: What was that??
P1: That was the 'fluff of disgust'.
P2: That some interesting man 'fluff' you've got then.
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"A landmass by definition is not really mobile"
--Wyatt Neal
Submitted By:

I use emacs, which might be thought of as a thermonuclear word processor.
-- Neal Stephenson
Submitted By:

And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu...
Submitted By:

That Better be the right document, or I'm going to fucking cuss. -- Will on PIC documentation
Submitted By:

Sweeping regime change has occurred in the mapper client... CPU cycles are being given back to the people after endless executions under the control of the drawMapBlock dictator. Viva la pixmap cache! Yes, I am tired.
--Tim Mecklem in a cvs commit comment
Submitted By:

"Here we go, this is a microfractionator....I have no idea what that is, but I'm secretly thrilled"
--Adam Savage
Submitted By:

"NumbKnots come from NRUBS."
-- Joe
Submitted By:

"Double-buffering is on, but I don't think it can handle wyatt"
--Tim Mecklem
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Cold enough to the freeze the ball off your monkey
-- Susan Altherr
Submitted By:

"The consequence you'll see will be stranger than a gang of drunken mimes"
-- Consequence by Incubus
Submitted By:

"It's difficult to meditate on amphetamines." - Joe Walsh
Submitted By:

"I'd like a virus that makes my computer freeze up like a raspberry smoothie."
-- AOL Commercial
Submitted By:

The meek shall inherit the earth. And all who refuse to bend will be broken and casted away from heaven's gate!
-- M
Submitted By:

W: "Are any of these dishes in the sink ours?"
S: "No. Why are we being accused of being messy, again? All of our [dirty] dishes are in our room."
Submitted By:

Burning down people's dreams since 1981.
-- Wyatt's Mantra'
Submitted By:

"And that's why I'm better than you."
-- William Cirone
Submitted By:

"I don't do things like that because I'm only evil on the inside."
-- Comedy Central
Submitted By:

Lady Astor: "Sir, you're drunk!"
Winston Churchill: "Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly."
Submitted By:

After you
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The beaver continued taking advantage that we had been drinking and he hadn't. - Kevin Kling, The Great Beaver Rescue Effort
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"Our experience with real scientists and engineers indicates that when they're on-the-record, top-notch scientists and engineers won't even speculate about the color of their socks without looking at their ankles. They have top-notch reputations because they're almost always right. They're almost always right because they keep their mouths shut until they've fully analyzed the data." - From a Review of 'The Core' on its scientific inaccuracies.
Submitted By:

"Emptiness has its comfort in that there's nothing left to take"
-- Anonymous Away Message
Submitted By:

(23:53:03) ME: Girl: Men are like ...... Blenders .... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Guy: Women are like ...... Blenders .... You want one, but you're not quiet sure how to turn it on.
(23:53:37) Wyatt Neal: I beg to differ....i know how to turn on a blender....however, women are about as mixed up as the contents....
Submitted By:

"Its amazing what professors tell you if you actually go to class"
--Joe Rocklin
Submitted By:

"Hail to those motherfuckers;
Hail to those old cock suckers;
Hail, Hail to Michigan;
The Cess Pool of the Earth!"
-Sung to Michigan's Fight Song
Submitted By:

"Maybe...
That wonderful loophole that exists between yes and hell no."
--Sara McConkey
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"I don't get really drunk cause I'm afriad the ugly girls well come get me"
--Anonymous guy
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"Build a man a fire, he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life." Austin quoting Terry Pratchett
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"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception."
-- Groucho Marx
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and, on that note, i would like to point out that i speak perfectly correct american, so correcting my "english" is moot

different languages
-- Josh Altherr
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"Cognitive impairments caused by sleep deprivation include impairments in memory, learning, logical reasoning, arithmetic skills, complex verbal processing, and decision making. Thus, staying up to study for exams for just a couple of nights can significatinly impair your ability to do as well as possible on those exams."
-- Excerpt from psychology book read after staying up all night studying for a psychology exam
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"Sometimes I really hate being a genius."
-- S.F.L.
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"They couldn't find the artist, so they hung the picture."
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"And now for the most horrible thing ever"
-- G. Purdy on pumping lemma for CF languages
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That's because they're not observing "National Hug a Sexy Guy in a Suit Day".
-- Wyatt Neal
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So... it comes down to one burning Library of Congress is 7.27815168
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So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra...
--Nerdling
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Supermount: Super-unmount failed...that's why Superman died.
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"It's not valued added...it's value sprinkled."
-- Ryan Yoxthimer
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"Muckworm??? That's a greate insult!"
-- Tim Mecklem attempt to put his name in a computer handwriting program
Submitted By:

thanks, what if i do all of my vommiting at my place and call yours a puke free zone

You having continueing vomit-osity issues? That sucks.

--Overread IM
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"My doctor says that I have a malformed public duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes."
-- Ford Perfect
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"I can outport stuff from my computer..."
-- J. L.
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"Dude, we should get some magic markers and White Castles so we can trace our digestive track."
-- Eric
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Estrogen makes you buy shoes. -- Mike M.
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"Be good" is a relative concept. If you're a serial axe murderer, torturing rather than killing is "being good".
--Kate, talking to a friend at 2:45 AM
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"NOT ZESTY."
--Casey Reed on his first interactions with the massive numbers of homosexual Iraqi locals.
submitted by Joe DuVernay
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"One can never have enough wine, women or attention."~Talon Karrde
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That's Like comparing apples and oranges
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Be careful of the toes that you step-on today, for they may be connected to the ass that you will have to kiss tomorrow.
----Katy
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Actor Eddie Fisher: "I've got a problem. I just can't get any dates!"
Playwright/critic George S. Kaufman: "On Mount Wilson, there is a telescope that can magnify the most distant stars up to twenty-four times the magnification of any previous telescope. This remarkable instrument was unsurpassed in the world of astronomy until the construction of the Mount Palomar telescope, an even more remarkable instrument of magnification. Owing to advances and improvements in optical technology, it is capable of magnifying the stars to four times the magnification and resolution of the Mount Wilson telescope....If you could somehow put the Mount Wilson telescope inside the Mount Palomar telescope, you still wouldn't be able to detect my interest in your problem."
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"Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you."
-- Groucho Marx
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W: So they want me to come back because I have good work ethic?
K: Yes. See you do have ethics after all.
W: No, that's one. There is no plural. I have AN ethic.
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"But I don't really swim. No, just sit...like, wave my arms around and be wet."
-- Sara
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"None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary
to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one
ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a
job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing
forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient
he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a
state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible."
-- Henry Ford
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"Yo! I was primping, yo!"
-- Discussion on the use of the word 'primp'
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/earth 98% full...please remove all unnecessary people

---Fortune
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"That girl gets me twitter-patted or else I don' t know the meaning of the word. Man, and I thought caffeine got my hear out of whack."
B.D.
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"Don't make me go crispy on your ass..."
-- Wyatt
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"As an architect, the question you should ask yourself isn't 'Can I do?,' but 'Should I do?'"
-- UC contributor on the remodeled TUC
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It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem.
For instance, on the planet earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much-the wheel, New York, wars and so on-while all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man-for precisely the same reasons.

--Anonymous away message
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"I just want to start a new...planet."
-- Sara C.
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"Wisdom is knowing what to do when."
-- Anonymous.
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It's so quite you can hear a mouse pee on a cotton ball
-- 9 Ball Announcer
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When you get down to it linux dosen't support any of the popular viruses. Why would you run linux if you can't run the popular programs, windows users seem to run a lot of them.

--Robert
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Just cause you're the leper with the most fingers doesn't mean anything.
-- UC Professor
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On the east coast of Ohio....
-- Kate
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"I was exampling..."
-- Wyatt
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"Erotic is when you use a feather; Kinky is when you use the whole chicken."
-- W.E.B.N.
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"I'm not going to wash my underoos in a place that smells like pee" --Anonymous Female Graduate Student
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Dancer Arthur Murray: "She's her own worst enemy."
Comedian Groucho Marx: "Not while I'm alive, she isn't."
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An Irishman walks out of a pub. HAHAHA!
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"So, how many Irish-men did you want installed into your pub?"
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W: I want that!
H: You want anything that blows anything out of anything.
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I want food to be magnetic.
-- Kate
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W: "See? I was right. I can predict the future."
J: "As opposed to predicting the past???"
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Calculus and Alcohol dont mix:
Don't Drink and Derive
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Homer: Kids! From now on there are three ways of doing things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way!
Bart: Isn't that just the wrong way?
Homer: Yes, but faster.
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4 out of 3 people have problems with statistics

3 out of ever 4 people make up 75% of the population
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"It's Dodgeball!!!...On a Stick!!!"
-- Fourth stupidest commercial I've seen in sometime, Wyatt
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Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
--Evan Davis
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"I guess you could say that I'm a closet exhibitionist."
-- Anon.
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"Fill me with barbecue sauce 'cause I'm dumb as hell!"
--Mini-Wyatt
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"There's a place where I come from: Its the place where I belong."
--Mini-Wyatt
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There are only 10 types of people in the world; those who understand binary and those who don't. - Anonymous
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Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write it should be hard to understand - Anonymous
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"Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity" - Hanlon's razor
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S: So you think you would date her?
W: Maybe, I don't know.
S: I couldn't, She is too low maintenance.
W: What?!?!?!

-- Steve
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"I don't know why, but I really like flossing. It just feel good to me."
-- Heather
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"How do they make crackers?"
-- Heather
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"It's not my fault. I don't know how to work this thing."
-- Freshman girl on swinging a sledge-hammer at computer parts
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You can call leader till your ass bleeds, but that still doesn
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Now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb!
-- submitted by Katy
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"Yes, I could have returned the shirt. Maybe it's a guy thing, but to me, returning a product is admitting you made a mistake. I can't take the pressure. And realistically, if I returned everything that disappointed me after I got it home, I'd be sitting in an empty house, naked, and starving. I'm a bad shopper, but I have high standards. It's a nasty combination."
-- Scott Adams
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"You ok? You seem kind of angry."
"Yeah, that's 'cause you're pissing me off."
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I tried to give up heroin but all my efforts were in vein.
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"Damn those robbers and thier guns and thier...their...their makeout parties."
-- Peter, Family Guy
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"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone"
-- Mike
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"Technology is more important than food."
-- Wyatt
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"Ociffer, I swear to drunk I'm not god."
-One of my friends away messages.
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A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie. --Fortune
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Impotence. Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
-- From a bumper sticker
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Jesus loves you....but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
-- From a bumper sticker.
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"Silly faggot! Dicks are for chicks!"
-- T-shirt
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K: "So you don't like modern art? Like the splatter paint stuff?"
W: "No! It's not art if I can make it!"
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I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.
-- Dave Barry (submitted by Joe)
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"It's like all the stupid people are getting all stupid over stupid stuff."
-- Wyatt
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"You're like bi-polar obsessive-compulsive or something"
-- Zach to Wyatt
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"It takes an idiot to do cool things. That's why they're cool"
-- FLCL
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The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
-- Fortune
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"The only way you'll ever hear from me is if you're living in the same hell."
-- Roy Harper
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"Yeah, but I don't want to be up at 4 A.M. in the morning tonight doing this."
-- Anon.
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"Every class has it's asshole. If you don't know who it is in the first two weeks, it's you."
-- Harvard Restroom Stall
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"I like to cut my steak with skew lines."
-- Wyatt
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give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day,if you teach them how to program,you will frustrate them for a lifetime
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"Software is like sex. It's better when it's free."
-- Linus Torvalds
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Why do the people who really shouldn't breed always always always have at least eight offspring?
-- Eric
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W: ...well, statistically speaking...
K: Only Wyatt would describe a potential relationship using the term "statistically speaking."
R: What a dork.
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ink, n.:
A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime.
-- H.L. Mencken
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Famous last words:
(1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
(2) "You and what army?"
(3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop."
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You know it's getting pretty bad when you have to take a stimulant to relax.
-- Wyatt
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"I used to hate computers, but then the server went down on me!"
- category on Ben Stein's Money
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Any recipe that starts with three beers is worth a shot.
-- Johnsonville Brat commercial
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"This is the sort of English up with which I will not put"
-- Winston Churchill
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Excuse me, would you like to try my smoked meat log?
-- Brain from Family Guy
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"Nothing is random, you just need to readjust your concept of order."
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"Does anyone know when the water show is? Somebody should put up a sign that says when the water show is."
-- Snickers Commercial
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Pass...Pass...Pass...Damn! (flip)
Pass...Pass...Pass...Damn!
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Power when not tempered with wisdom
becomes a weapon in the hands of the ignorant
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"We treat athletes better because they are better people."
-- South Park
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"if i wanted your opinion i would have told it to you and then beaten it out of you"
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"So it's like heroin?"
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K: "...and I swear this lady had a huge patch of hair on her lower back!"
T: "Whoa! No crab grass in the back yard."
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So...I'm a womanizer that doesn't like women? What the hell?
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The more things change, the more they stay the same.
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Vidi, vici, veni.
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"I like candy. It makes me strong and healfy"
--Jonathon McConkey on the subject of Easter candy(Sara's 2yr-old nephew)
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"You get what you settle for."
-- Susan Sarandon, Thelma and Louise
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Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
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I used to have profound thoughts, but people got confused and angry. That's probably why all the prophets and martyrs got killed.
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"Wouldn't you like a good looking woman's back on your wall?"
-- Kate
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In light of recent events, I truly regret taking France away from Germany. Personally, I think the Eifel Tower would look great as a heap of metal.
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Land of the free, because of the brave.
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My father always said once a ship starts sailling, it either keeps sailing or it sinks.
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Why not? Steve and I are the epitome of fun!
-- Rick
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Don't you wish you were my homework,
cause then you would be hard
and I'd be doing you on my desk right now.
-- Anonymous Female
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Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number.
-- James Estes
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You're going to have a good time, if I have to cram it down your throat.
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Sara: "I think Dan will appreciate it, that way she won't be abducted raped or murdered."
Zack: "I don't know, its a little cold for rape."
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What's this script do?
unzip ; touch ; finger ; mount ; gasp ; yes ; umount ; sleep
Hint for the answer: not everything is computer-oriented. Sometimes you're
in a sleeping bag, camping out.
(Contributed by Frans van der Zande.)
--fortune
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If sugar is a kiss then what is Sweet and Low?
-- Steven Michalske
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The meek shall inherit the Earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
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We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
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There once was an old man from Esser,
Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
It at last grew so small,
He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a College Professor.
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The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
cactus has the pricks on the outside.
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transvestite, n.:
Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
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What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
-- Fortune
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"You know your mom is an alcoholic when you catch a buzz off of breast milk"
-- Submitted by Matt Wilder
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An analytical approach to people.
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Don't put the gerbals in the cubboard. You're just going to have to flip them in a hour.
-- Submitted by Apps
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"My girlfriend called me a pedophile yesterday."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I couldn't believe a six year old would know that big of a word."
-- Submitted by Andy
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"You just cant trust a state with a non-contegious, non-island landmass."
-- Submitted by Zack
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I'm blind, I'm deaf, I wanna be a ref!
A noose, a tree, hang a referee!
Hey Ref! If you had one more eye, you'd be a cyclops!
Get of your knees ref! You're blowing the game!
-- Submitted by Zack after the UC Hawaii Bowl they called a game
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A hard man is good to find.
-- Submitted by an anonymous female
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Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,licentious, dirty bum!!!
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She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had you any other way."
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And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
very selfhood revealed."
And Jesus replied, "What?"
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If you are found sleeping somewhere, you are fair game for having someone sleep
next to you. You have found and proven that spot is ideal for such activities.
-- Collective thoughs of Zack, Sara, and Wyatt at 4:30 AM
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OOOOOOOOOH,
We dont give a damn for the whole state of michigan,
The whole state of michigan,
The whole state of michigan,
We dont give a damn for the whole state of michigan,
'Cause we're from Ohio!
-- Submitted by Eric
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"Usually for one to fall flat on their face requires a running start..."
-- Submitted by Bob
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"If you've done things right, people won't be sure whether you've done
anything at all."
-- Bender on being God, Futurama
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Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom
any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.
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College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
later you wish you'd never come.
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A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
-- Phyllis Schlafly
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Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.
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Incest, n.:
Sibling revelry.
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Great Lover, n.:
A man who can breathe through his ears.
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I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
-- Groucho Marx
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Roses are Red,
Violets are fine,
You be the six,
And I'll be the nine.
-- Contributed by Eric
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'Tears are but the deepest display of the soul pouring forth from one
who has come to an incredible realization."
-- Wyatt Neal
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LET Jesus be YOUR anchor!
So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard!
-- Anonymous Bumper Sticker
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